The Dark Hell of the Mentally Ill Mind: Mental Illness Description: How Mental Illness Feels

I wrote this hub in order to explain what it feels like to have mental illness, in this case I'm speaking particularly of anxiety, social anxiety, depression, and bipolar. But many others will also identify I'm sure. I hope this will also help family and friends to understand better.

If you want to know why your depressed/bipolar friend acts the way they do, this should give you a pretty good idea.

Down a Deep Dark Hole

I want to tell you what it’s like. I want others to know so they can better help us, so they can understand us, and show compassion.

I had a breakdown because things were extremely stressful in my life due to personal family matters. Things were going on in my life that was very stressful, it was too much. I could no longer handle everyday life so I checked myself into a hospital. How I knew to do that, I’ll never know. Somehow I had read some literature on NAMI, The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill. When I read their literature, I felt like it fit, that I was feeling the symptoms they described. At the time I started eating less. Then fear and paranoia set in. I was so anxious and out of it, I couldn’t look people in the eye, and was nervous and fidgety, all the while I was aware I had a mental illness and felt very embarrassed with myself.

Note: This all happened back in 2004, over 8 years ago. I do not experience these exact same symptoms now.

When I get into a deep dark hole, that feels like despair, I cry and I feel a tugging at my soul. It’s a sad situation; I sometimes feel my life is not useful or that no one loves me, or that my pain will never go away. I’m either hurt at what someone did to me in the past or the present or something.

I have cried or rather wept, for hours, just pondering how unable and trapped I am, that I have no control over my depression, or mania. These feelings begin to make me feel unworthy to be loved, or stigmatized. Sometimes I feel so sensitive. I often get angry for no reason; maybe a side effect of the medications I take?

Back to a Typical Day

Being bipolar my mind goes through cycles. Usually these involve mania, depression, and anxiety. No matter where I live or with whom, I’ve noticed I still have the same basic symptoms.

Description Tuesday, 4/19/05

I wake up in the late morning. I know I have therapy at 2:15 pm. I get out of the house by 1:30pm to drop my Mother off at the gym. I head to therapy. I’m early. I ask the receptionist to buy a raffle ticket off me for the clubhouse trip. I’m uncomfortable, I feel guilty about it, like maybe she thinks I’ll keep the $$ and not turn it in. Why? I don’t know.

My therapy session is good. I enjoy it because I’m alone with a professional person who cares about me. But it is like a task cause we have to go thru “tons” of data cause I haven’t’ seen her in 2 or 3 weeks. It’s always like a task thou because she gets me to talk about a lot of things.

After therapy, I walk out and leave. I go down the elevator and to my car. I decide to go to a familiar social spot, because there’s stuff to do there and I need to do things as well as enjoy the social and safe, comfortable atmosphere. But I’m never completely comfortable anywhere unless I’m alone in my bedroom or with a trusted friend or family member, or a place I feel accepted.

At the club, it goes well. I get some things done and participate in a meeting. The members and staff have to leave at 5:15 PM to go on an outing (social) to the movies. But I have to go to my Algebra class, so I can’t go with them.

I drive straight to the class, there I take a test. Then there’s a short break. The class is from 6:30 to 9:30pm.

In class, I’m always nervous, no matter what, unless I’m having a really good day (rare). So, I’m in the front row and watching the teacher teach us. One thing I haven't gotten ever is medicine for social anxiety. I asked my doctor but he didn't prescribe any. Later on, though a mixture of different medications has actually helped. You may want to talk to your doctor on that one, also a bit of practice is always helpful of course, as in doing things that are uncomfortable until they become easier! Practice is necessary in the end reward!

I’m not completely comfortable and there’s always a little paranoia in my head. (Paranoia, I know now can be helped with antipsychotic medicines like seroquel. This is not to say you are psychotic but it helps you see, as medications help various different things!) So I look around every once and again at my classmates, and when one of them shows some friendless, I wonder if she’s really mocking me and if she knows I have something weird about me, if she knows I have bipolar or a mental illness. (Can they tell? Do I make them uncomfortable?) These thoughts go thru my head even though the semester is more than ½ over!

I can’t relax completely and stop all these thoughts and worries. I scratch my head a lot, bite my nails, and clear my throat. And sometimes when I’m more nervous (which I get) I’ll drink some of my soda or I’ll undo or redo my ponytail. Other times I’ll crack my neck, stretch, grunt, or whatever. (These are actually nervous responses to stress which can be overcome with relaxation techniques!)

I’m not ever comfortable with the teacher, even though she’s an older woman. I get bored easily and it seems they notice it on my face.

We break for 10 minutes. Then back in class, and it’s over at 9:30. Usually I get to my car and drive home but of course, tonight for the last 20 minutes of class and briefly 10 minutes after, I have a breakthrough:

I’m suddenly able to relax in class; I pay attention to the teacher smartly and easily. The class ends. I go to my car, walking there, realizing what just happened! Does this mean there will be more like this, Will I be cured eventually? Wow!

I drive home with tears in my eyes as the radio plays good music. I think about my gratefulness that God has allowed me these moments: What it’s like to be sane! To be able to walk to my car without any worry or any fear not looking in every direction, just walking along calmly, straight ahead to my car! I don’t feel mentally ill. If only this could last!